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jokes
Sept 22, 2008 13:32:00 GMT 1
Post by roverdude on Sept 22, 2008 13:32:00 GMT 1
seems as though weather has gone kak and we got beat how about some jokes to lighten the mood
A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun. He shouts 'this is a raid - everyone get on the floor!!', and proceeds to empty the cash drawers. As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts. 'Did anybody else here see my face?' The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him in the head also. 'Did anybody else see my face?' he shouts again, waving his gun around. There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant corner.. 'I think my missus caught a glimpse....'
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jokes
Sept 22, 2008 17:18:42 GMT 1
Post by foo on Sept 22, 2008 17:18:42 GMT 1
A woman goes to the doctor for a check-up. When she gets home her husband asks, "So how did the appointment go?". She replies, "He said, I have the body of a 20-year old." Her husband says, "Oh yeah? And what did he have to say about your 40-year old ass? The woman replies, "Your name didn't come up."
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jokes
Sept 23, 2008 7:22:51 GMT 1
Post by roverdude on Sept 23, 2008 7:22:51 GMT 1
After having their 11th child, a Doncaster couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one.
The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Doncastrian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'
'Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Middlesbrough, Liverpool, parts of Bradford and anywhere in Wales.
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jokes
Sept 23, 2008 7:55:21 GMT 1
Post by foo on Sept 23, 2008 7:55:21 GMT 1
PMSL! ;D
What has 8 arms and an IQ of 60?
Four wednesday fans watching a game of football.
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jokes
Oct 1, 2008 9:17:27 GMT 1
Post by roverdude on Oct 1, 2008 9:17:27 GMT 1
not really a joke but funny and true
When girls don't put out!! This was written by a guy...it's pretty smart. Girls -- Please have a sense of humor! I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing.. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.' I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!' So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... 'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.' She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?' Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfit s. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.' We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.' I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.' Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?' I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.' And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?' Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.
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jokes
Oct 2, 2008 17:31:00 GMT 1
Post by foo on Oct 2, 2008 17:31:00 GMT 1
lol Not ALL woman are like that.
A Swedish man walks into a chemist's and says, "I would like to buy some deodorant please."
"Certainly, sir" says the chemist. "Ball or aerosol?"
"Neither," says the man. "It's for my armpits."
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